Ick, Ugh

Aug 11,
I am thinking I shouldn't publish this draft for a few days, just because I'm sure I'm driving you all crazy sending all these crazy thoughts. But is anyone else out there so critical of themselves? I get so tired of being in my head. I want out!!! Out! Out! Of my head, of my body, of my life! I keep saying how I have no life but don't have the motivation or desire to do anything about it.

Aug 14, Friday
Bad night last night, dogs kept me up and I can't even remember why. I think I was up 3-4 times. But that's not really the reason for my mood, which I've been in all week. Funk. Huge. Staff meeting this morning, I beat myself up most of the time (and beat them up too ... I just want people to do their jobs), and I'm finding these staff meetings becoming tedious and a zap of time because no one seems to listen to each other anyway. Blah. I feel so much like an outsider everywhere I go; there is so much "family" here but then I've really always felt like an outsider and I don't mean that in a victim way, just how I feel. I think about being young and being alone, never dating in high school, very little in college, although I did have friends. And not that all this family sounds fun, but this is what I mean about the families getting together all the time: the GM from work is on her mandatory "family fun" weekend (they have a very dysfunctional family so I'm not sure whether to admire what she's doing or think she's crazy); the Dev. Director's brother is getting married this weekend and it's a 3-day event; on NPR I heard something about how women just go, go, go, never stopping (or maybe that was the tribute for Shriver/Kennedy), and how I think that's just not right ... how it seems society thinks it's so good it is to go, go, go all the time. That could be just me, projecting how screwy it is that I'm supposed to be in the prime of my life and I feel quite miserable some days. Our reporter is going home for the weekend for the State "fair."

People here are still talking about their cousins, and they go to their weddings and home or get together for holidays (every holiday), and when I said to my sister, wow, people go to their cousins' weddings??? She agreed with me but also said, yeah, our family just isn't very close. And I said, but maybe that's not such a good thing. I question that thinking too - which way is it supposed to be? You're supposed to want to be with family? Not be with family? A little of both? So far, I haven't found it - the answer to that question.

What happened to being young and lively and having gusto, wanting to do things in life? Go places? I just don't desire any of it... family, travel, getting involved, volunteering, nothing.

Oh and that's the other thing - it seems so many people here volunteer and I don't have desire to do that either and I feel bad about that too.

I've had this funny feeling that everyone at work is acting strange toward me, including our very "young and innocent" reporter (she really is), and of course I feel like there's something up with "me" and I don't know it. Like I'm going to lose my job or something. Then, my sister hasn't been in much contact (we usually text) and then the girl I was supposed to have coffee with bailed... I feared they both had read this blog, like they found it somehow. Sigh.

I continue to gain weight and have no motivation or care enough to do anything about it. It's never-ending. I went to Ross at lunch (like TJMaxx) to pick up a couple things for Kaia & maybe a bra for me, didn't try anything on and brought home a really pretty skirt, a pair of white jeans (what was I thinking?) and a pair of shoes to replace my Privos, which I love and are so comfy but they stink to high heaven despite my efforts. None of the clothes fit ... I really wanted that skirt to fit me. I feel like a whale and that I will implode at any moment. It's awful. I know I will get out of this slump, and maybe another creative weekend will help me. I really want to crawl in bed all weekend and watch movies. That feels impossible with these dogs. I have 3 right now (temporarily), but even with 2, I could not do that. I don't think I could relax with all these stacks around me, projects I've started but not quite finished.

It's nearly 7:30p.m. and I've loaded the dishwasher, prepared the recycling to take tomorrow, tried on those stupid clothes, and it's beautiful outside. Will walk the 2 dogs soon - will have to leave Fletcher behind (no leash). Maybe I'll have the energy to walk him later, but they (S&C) don't walk him anyway, so not a big deal, he's not accustomed to it.

I've been trying to get to these movies for more than a month now - thinking I should freeze my Netflix again because I usually want to watch "dumb" tv. I watch HGTV if I'm going to watch anything (a bad habit). But I find it fun to watch how they design, what colors they put together, etc., not that I remember any of it later. I even thought maybe I'll go to a movie and I can't get myself to do that either.

Oh, and I also hate the way I add clutter to everything around me.

Ok, enough beating for now. Off to walk,

August 14, Friday, Nearly 9 p.m.
I walked the dogs and it's hotter than I thought but occasional nice breezes. I feel a little better, have my pj's on, and am in bed getting ready to watch one of these damn movies I've had (I looked it up, it's been 2 months since Netflix sent to me). I've looked in the fridge twice to see what's for dinner, and nothing sounds good so I'm eating some pecans. Did I mention I'm going to try and live without a microwave? So far, not bad. I use the one at work for lunches. Mics take up so much counter space and space overall, and I was thinking they make it too easy for me to eat bad. But then, I end up eating out anyway usually and I usually pick bad things. Oh well, we'll see how long this lasts.

Another revelation: I think I'm really good at complaining. Thinking how Steph & Cory did the 3-dog thing - for 2 months or so while Steph was pregnant? So anyway, just another thought while I hit "pause" on the movie.

Nearly 10 p.m.,
I miss you guys. I miss having my life venting partners! My "Girl Fridays". And I promise I am going to find a good therapist here at some point.

August 15, Saturday 2 p.m.,
Feeling a little better today. See separate posting.