Mom is Better

I typed this once and I guess didn't save it - so I'm writing again. Mom's better and b/p is better. They cannot do any other tests until her b/p is regular for some time. She's been on meds to increase her blood pressure rate since it's been so low. Stress test (for heart) and stimulation (chemical) of the adrenal glands or system tomorrow to see if it's functioning properly - they think it may not be. Possibly another kind of heart test, but everything is contingent or dependent I guess on everything else... (results of one test, before know enough to do the other test).

I'm still at the hospital and deciding whether to spend the night again or not. It's about 8:30 now; I think I may drive home tonight. I talked to one doc today whom I had met yesterday, but have not talked to the other docs. It was interesting to be able to talk to him at least with some knowledge about the adrenal glands since it seems several of us have had problems there! Every doc does something else here ... cardiologist, internal medicine, gastrointologist, etc. They may move her out of CICU tomorrow also, so things are looking up with her.

....So This is Life ...

Hi all, I've been somewhat incognito since yesterday (Saturday) afternoon. My uncle called while I was at Lowe's and said my mom had been taken from her hometown ER to the Tulsa ER with chest pains which radiated into her jaw and chin (actually cardiac intensive care unit, but I did not get a sense - yet - that they are confident it's her heart). I spent the night in mom's ICU room last night - they let 1 person sleep there which is nice (I did not sleep a wink all night, all the busy-ness of the ICU, and tons of beeping sounds, and watching Mom's levels go up and down on the monitor....) so I came home this afternoon and slept all afternoon which I hated to do. She's going through lots of tests but can talk fine and seems aware and seems to be feeling pretty good. They don't know when she will go home... they want to do heart tests as soon as her b/p stabilizes....her b/p got really, really low. Her hemoglobin levels also keep decreasing and they are concerned about that, thinking that she may be bleeding somewhere although no visible signs of bleeding (and reason for all the tests). Steph is there now spending the night and I'm going back there in the a.m. I was pretty proud of myself honestly for all the things I actually remembered about Mom's health so I could tell the doc - which turned out to be some Mom had not told them about yet, or meds that she had forgotten to write down.

I have had 3 dogs at my house (I've been caring for Fletcher since S&C were in Wichita Falls, TX for Steph's 100-mile bike ride). I was scrambling last night trying to find someone to let the dogs out (finally did around 11 p.m.) since my aunt had planned to spend the night w/Mom but wasn't feeling well so she went home. I wasn't quite prepared to spend the night there but am glad I did to be there with Mom. It was pretty chaotic, all the family (her sisters, brothers, family), docs, nurses, etc. coming and going, calling and texting, you know how that goes. I'm telling the same updated stories continually until I'm not sure whom I've told what. I wrote down everything every doctor said (she had an internist, gastrointologist, cardiologist, etc.) so that we all had reference notes for the next person's "shift". It's a lot to keep track of. (Her first nurse's name was Jimmy, from Nairobi and very nice, seemed very on top of things. He wants to move to NC and do a Duke Master's program).

I continue to get infuriated with pretty much every single move my sister makes (or doesn't make). I swear she uses having a baby as an excuse for not participating in "life" or anything hard except her own life. I don't know how to better say that. I'm sure I do the same thing at times, get into my own little world, but sheesh. At times, I thought I might implode with all the rage at her. She's at least spending the night in Mom's room tonight, which I thought she would back out of somehow. But she's there. I will go back tomorrow a.m. so she and her hubby can go to Cory's doctor appt., also going in for tests (scary stuff too, he found a lump on his testicle). I am hoping I can keep my therapy appointment this week so I can vent about family issues! Particularly my sister.

She & Cory got in an argument in the hospital lobby hallway because they were trying to coordinate "friends" meeting them there so they could meet Kaia. Cory didn't have his phone on him (Steph had it from earlier) so they kept missing each other and going to different floors to try to find the other, and it got blown up. I butted in and said, "you can't blame Cory when you have his phone!" She's like "Cory, if you had been where I told you to go, (hospital lobby), then we wouldn't have just spent 30 minutes looking for each other and now the friends are leaving." Ugh. Well, I know better than to butt in, and honestly, I don't know really what happened so more reason for me to keep my mouth shut. That's how I left the hospital, with them arguing about that. I have my own views of course on how the whole thing happened. Like, "what the HELL are you doing trying to coordinate this as a "friend" gathering to see Kaia when your Mom is in ICU, and your sister (me!) has had no sleep, no food, and has been waiting on your ass to get back to the hospital so she can leave! Arrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhh!!!! She at least did think to bring my meds to me so I could take those. Sheesh.

On a good note, the weather has been positively beautiful. I drove to Tulsa and back with the top down the whole way. Nice. Hope your weekend was good. I'll keep ya posted on Mom's condition. I'm going to get up early Mon a.m. and plan to go to work for a while first before I head back to Tulsa... I have huge deadlines this week, big mailing to get out which is already late by a week.

Fun

Well, you'll be glad to know I had a fun night. Yep, fun! A student was kind enough to tell me my passenger tire was low (that's not the fun part), and a new friend I had met (I think I told you about her already) invited me to have wine with a few of her work friends. So I walked to the wine bar from the gas station. There were 4 or 5 girls + 1 husband, and they like a lot of the things I like ... movies, decorating, wine, beer, walking. I came home after getting my car, let the dogs out and walked them around the block, then went back to another bar to have dinner and another glass of wine. I find that after 2 glasses of wine and I'm buzzed. But I'm home now, catching up on FB and debating a hot bath but it might be raining (so lightning not far behind?). I'm listening to good music on our station.

I hope to walk around the lake tomorrow (without dogs again). I'm close to getting my first iPOD - yes, I'm very behind on that luxury! Nite nite for now,

Dream Diary

I've posted my dreams here before, or at least one, which was a good one. This one, not so much ... maybe that will become my new blog. About my dreams ... hmmmm ... So ... in the dream which is kinda fuzzy by now (note to self: write in blog immediately upon awakening!):

I'm in this big house with lots of glass, two or multi-level. And I'm moving. I've called in my family to help me. There's a big crawl-space in the "ceiling" that has to be used to load furniture down through it, meaning the living space was located ABOVE. So that's what we were doing, moving my stuff, pushing it down through this hole in the ceiling ... kinda like an attic crawl space but I didn't live in an attic. And we're loading the furniture, paintings, etc. in a truck.

At one point, my family kinda stops helping. Some of them are nowhere to be found and I'm getting very frustrated. At some point, the dream turns paranormal. There is an evil spirit and she is not happy (it was definitely a she). Windows start blowing out and people are diving for the ground for protection. The spirit I believe is white at first - eventually becomes an ugly face of death, screaming at us. This part of the dream is fuzzy so I'll leave it at that. Actually I woke up feeling pretty disturbed, unsettled. Maybe I'll start posting them.

(There are lots of obvious interpretations to this dream but one thing it made me think since I'm only on one anti-depressant instead of two right now, it may be why I'm much more creative right now than I had been. Not that I won't start taking both again, but, it is interesting how much differently, creatively, your brain works when you're not on meds).

Honesty in Blogging

I've thought about blogs and wondered, how many people out there are really writing about what they feel. Not just their opinions about something, or politics, but what do they FEEL?

Then it makes me wonder whether there's honesty in blogging. Even though people are blogging for their own select friends and/or family, or for themselves, inevitably there is going to be something you write that you don't want someone to read. So you write more cautiously with restrictions or perhaps more cleverly to show off ... you write with "almost, but not-quite-honesty." I challenge people out there to write honestly what they are feeling.

How are you feeling today? Be honest!

Read This Article!

I was reading a magazine article today after getting my hair cut, (I took a reading break in their lobby), and there's this GREAT article in there. An interview with Meryl Streep & Amy Adams where both women talk a lot about life and somehow it made me feel better.

Amy said something about, "Whenever I start thinking too much about the future, or the past, I make myself totally crazy."

And I liked that she said that.

Read it if you can!

(Maybe Better Homes & Gardens, I'm not sure, but the actresses are on the cover.)

Feeling Better

I am feeling better and can't say how much I appreciate all your support. I know that blogging is perhaps not always the ideal way to talk about what's going on, but when I'm down, writing seems to be the best I can do.

I did call a local psychiatrist whom I was referred to by my long-time masseuse here. They have a 4-6 month wait, can you believe? So I asked for them to refer me to someone else but go ahead and put me on their waiting list. That doctor has a voice mail that says the earliest she can return calls is 8/24 ... between 10:15 & 10:30. Amazing, huh? So, I've written it on my calendar to await her call during that time period. I'll also keep looking for someone else.

You are great friends - thank you again.

Blogging

In the movie Julie & Julia, the Amy Adams's character was writing a daily blog. At one point, she asks her husband the question, "Am I being narcissistic?" Her husband said, "Isn't that what blogging is about?"

Julie & Julia

I loved this movie ...

And if I met two men like these movie husbands (Stanley Tucci was one of them), I'd be in a relationship with them in a heartbeat! The two couples just had sweet marriages.

I walked Boomer in record time and feeling better still. Started my period while in the movie so I'm hoping that's partly why I've been so crazy this week. That's my excuse anyway. I am sitting on my back patio, just ate Chipotle with my sis, we sat outside, no hubby, no Kaia, and it was nice to have an actual conversation with her. I am pretty sure I smell some weed right now ... not sure which neighbor is smokin' it. ;)

Travel with Rick Steeves

I did get a movie watched last night, and started another one, not sure what time I turned off the TV, maybe 12 or so, and slept till nearly 1:00 this afternoon. Throat is better I think; slight headache. I've not been up long, but putting some laundry away and listening to NPR's "Travel with Rick Steeves" and getting dressed to go walk Boomer Lake. I have not walked that lake in so long (since I moved); I don't think I'll take the dogs with me this time. Then may go see a movie.

As I listen to "Travels...", they are talking about visiting Budapest. And I wonder if it will help spark me to want to travel again some day!

Burt's Bees

So about a month or so ago, I bought Burt's Bees insect repellent ... thinking, I like a lot of their products, well, their chap stick anyway, so this might be good. Well, it smells pretty good but man, it's like slathering baby oil on your skin. It's that greasy when it goes on. Oddly enough, it does absorb into your skin, i.e., my skin isn't glistening as I'm standing outside flashing the neighbors (just kidding).

Ick, Ugh

Aug 11,
I am thinking I shouldn't publish this draft for a few days, just because I'm sure I'm driving you all crazy sending all these crazy thoughts. But is anyone else out there so critical of themselves? I get so tired of being in my head. I want out!!! Out! Out! Of my head, of my body, of my life! I keep saying how I have no life but don't have the motivation or desire to do anything about it.

Aug 14, Friday
Bad night last night, dogs kept me up and I can't even remember why. I think I was up 3-4 times. But that's not really the reason for my mood, which I've been in all week. Funk. Huge. Staff meeting this morning, I beat myself up most of the time (and beat them up too ... I just want people to do their jobs), and I'm finding these staff meetings becoming tedious and a zap of time because no one seems to listen to each other anyway. Blah. I feel so much like an outsider everywhere I go; there is so much "family" here but then I've really always felt like an outsider and I don't mean that in a victim way, just how I feel. I think about being young and being alone, never dating in high school, very little in college, although I did have friends. And not that all this family sounds fun, but this is what I mean about the families getting together all the time: the GM from work is on her mandatory "family fun" weekend (they have a very dysfunctional family so I'm not sure whether to admire what she's doing or think she's crazy); the Dev. Director's brother is getting married this weekend and it's a 3-day event; on NPR I heard something about how women just go, go, go, never stopping (or maybe that was the tribute for Shriver/Kennedy), and how I think that's just not right ... how it seems society thinks it's so good it is to go, go, go all the time. That could be just me, projecting how screwy it is that I'm supposed to be in the prime of my life and I feel quite miserable some days. Our reporter is going home for the weekend for the State "fair."

People here are still talking about their cousins, and they go to their weddings and home or get together for holidays (every holiday), and when I said to my sister, wow, people go to their cousins' weddings??? She agreed with me but also said, yeah, our family just isn't very close. And I said, but maybe that's not such a good thing. I question that thinking too - which way is it supposed to be? You're supposed to want to be with family? Not be with family? A little of both? So far, I haven't found it - the answer to that question.

What happened to being young and lively and having gusto, wanting to do things in life? Go places? I just don't desire any of it... family, travel, getting involved, volunteering, nothing.

Oh and that's the other thing - it seems so many people here volunteer and I don't have desire to do that either and I feel bad about that too.

I've had this funny feeling that everyone at work is acting strange toward me, including our very "young and innocent" reporter (she really is), and of course I feel like there's something up with "me" and I don't know it. Like I'm going to lose my job or something. Then, my sister hasn't been in much contact (we usually text) and then the girl I was supposed to have coffee with bailed... I feared they both had read this blog, like they found it somehow. Sigh.

I continue to gain weight and have no motivation or care enough to do anything about it. It's never-ending. I went to Ross at lunch (like TJMaxx) to pick up a couple things for Kaia & maybe a bra for me, didn't try anything on and brought home a really pretty skirt, a pair of white jeans (what was I thinking?) and a pair of shoes to replace my Privos, which I love and are so comfy but they stink to high heaven despite my efforts. None of the clothes fit ... I really wanted that skirt to fit me. I feel like a whale and that I will implode at any moment. It's awful. I know I will get out of this slump, and maybe another creative weekend will help me. I really want to crawl in bed all weekend and watch movies. That feels impossible with these dogs. I have 3 right now (temporarily), but even with 2, I could not do that. I don't think I could relax with all these stacks around me, projects I've started but not quite finished.

It's nearly 7:30p.m. and I've loaded the dishwasher, prepared the recycling to take tomorrow, tried on those stupid clothes, and it's beautiful outside. Will walk the 2 dogs soon - will have to leave Fletcher behind (no leash). Maybe I'll have the energy to walk him later, but they (S&C) don't walk him anyway, so not a big deal, he's not accustomed to it.

I've been trying to get to these movies for more than a month now - thinking I should freeze my Netflix again because I usually want to watch "dumb" tv. I watch HGTV if I'm going to watch anything (a bad habit). But I find it fun to watch how they design, what colors they put together, etc., not that I remember any of it later. I even thought maybe I'll go to a movie and I can't get myself to do that either.

Oh, and I also hate the way I add clutter to everything around me.

Ok, enough beating for now. Off to walk,

August 14, Friday, Nearly 9 p.m.
I walked the dogs and it's hotter than I thought but occasional nice breezes. I feel a little better, have my pj's on, and am in bed getting ready to watch one of these damn movies I've had (I looked it up, it's been 2 months since Netflix sent to me). I've looked in the fridge twice to see what's for dinner, and nothing sounds good so I'm eating some pecans. Did I mention I'm going to try and live without a microwave? So far, not bad. I use the one at work for lunches. Mics take up so much counter space and space overall, and I was thinking they make it too easy for me to eat bad. But then, I end up eating out anyway usually and I usually pick bad things. Oh well, we'll see how long this lasts.

Another revelation: I think I'm really good at complaining. Thinking how Steph & Cory did the 3-dog thing - for 2 months or so while Steph was pregnant? So anyway, just another thought while I hit "pause" on the movie.

Nearly 10 p.m.,
I miss you guys. I miss having my life venting partners! My "Girl Fridays". And I promise I am going to find a good therapist here at some point.

August 15, Saturday 2 p.m.,
Feeling a little better today. See separate posting.

New Pic

Uploading a cute pic of me and Kaia, at the Farmer's Market and adjacent park.

Grateful 1

You all probably know me well enough by now, it seems I always have something to complain about. So ... I'm doing Thanksgiving a little early ... a few things I'm thankful for today:

- my beautiful new home
- having a stable job in a tough environment
- my dogs, even when they are totally getting on my nerves tonight
- the ability to paint (walls or canvas) especially now when my job can be so tedious
- wonderful friends!
- a sweet Mom
- the ability to think for myself and form my own opinions
- a yummy BLT sandwich
- my beautiful niece

Thanks for being there!

Fear

I discovered something new about myself. Maybe I knew it deep down but never vocalized it. I was walking the dogs tonight and thought about the upcoming and next weekend and what I can accomplish on my big to-do list. I met a potential new friend a couple weeks ago @ Panera for coffee. She's a fan of KOSU and I wrongly assumed that means liberal. She and I are going next weekend for a coffee & Farmer's Market "date", and now my [irrational] fear is she is not liberal and may be religious instead. Not totally unfounded fear - I looked up her Facebook profile tonight and her political views say "middle of the road" (that's totally ok), and religion as "Christian." (mmmmm). Amazing how I have a difficult time "accepting" most religions, although I will listen to whatever anyone has to say as long as they listen to my views as well.

... I am trying to remain open to meeting new people, and I'm not saying we can't be friends. But, it can be a little difficult living here AND working at a public radio station, thinking that every NPR fan is liberal when indeed they are not. I have met liberal thinkers here too, I guess I just need to nurture those more (not for lack of trying ... Scott, Ron, Jamie, Charlie, Adam). My fear then about this new friend becomes, what if I am getting into something I want to get out of? And that is also probably why I am never in a committed "relationship". I'll keep ya posted on my fear of commitment!

Got an Appt.

...with an endocrinologist ... in Tulsa on November 3 @ 12:45. I insisted on a female doc, she's a specialist in Endocrinology/Metabolism/Diabetes. It's a long time to wait; I hope it will be worth it. I will tell you, I can tell a difference when I don't use my progesterone cream nightly... and all my vitamins (uh oh, did I say this already? Vit D, B6, B Complex, Fish Oil, Calcium/Mag/Zinc. And I can definitely tell when I don't take my calc/mag/zinc which I am also currently out of). Wish me luck!

Yo Neighbors

So ... are neighbors who already live in the area supposed to introduce themselves to me, or am I supposed to introduce myself to them? And obviously, if there was an easy opportunity for me to approach them, I would, but so far, I've only met Rose next door, the one with the cat in the tree.

ADD

... oh, an in the back of my mind, I'm thinking how can I watch a movie tonight, while I'm organizing my bedroom (which currently has 3 boxes and a load of laundry in it and it's buggin' me). That will be after I eat - and then, it's time for bed. So I ask each of you, where does the time go, and how can I get more time in my day? Maybe if I got up early ... say 6? Sheesh.

Where Does the Time GO?

A couple people at work have said they do not think I have ADD. So, what do you call it when you are ... cooking bacon, texting Maureen, have papers strewn out in the living room floor (I'm getting ready to make folders for filing), and, researching the web to find out how to get a baby's print off glass so I can make something with it. Oh, and that was after I spent some time in the garage, trying to find a few things (can't even think now what I was looking for ... oh, the folders). Maybe you just call that crazy! I've heard you can't really multi-task ... and I think they mean you can't multi-task and do one thing really well. So that means I'm burnin' the bacon. Oops!

Sidenote:

Sidenote: I get so mad at the higher-ups here ... how they just slap a logo on anywhere, or just start using a new "image" without any thought into it. Oy. We have a new billboard up around Oklahoma City (can you believe first time in like 55 years?). The billboard says "FM with IQ," a new phrase for us. SO an article was just published about KOSU, which our director wrote, and he just decided to use the same phrase from the billboard, "FM with IQ", as a logo or icon in that article. They don't ask me my opinion, so I don't offer it (not anymore anyway).

Endoc

Well, I've made the first step in trying to get a good doctor, finally. I've been seeing a regular family practitioner here ... so I called an endocrinologist in Tulsa (just out of the blue, off my health insurance page), and they said I needed my doctor to make THAT appt. for me. So ... you know how that will go. The doc here will ask me why I want to go, will want me to come back in to see him again - a waste of another $25 - I see him frequently enough, I don't believe I need to go in again. Then it will take forever to go through the steps. I know that's a negative view, but I don't have a lot of hope or faith in our medical system or our doctors. On a positive note, the rain really cooled things off and it's like 80 and low of 70s tonight. I still have Raleigh on my google page and see that it's 94 there and you will get our rain today & tomorrow.

Wow. What a Dream

Wow ... had a dream that I had sex with new friend Ron ... really funny considering he's only a friend. And he was a friend in the dream, well, until ... that moment. It was nice to tell each other we loved each other and how soft our skin was. ;o)

Oklahoma Is Funny!

Around 4 or 4:30 today, the skies started getting really dark, and although they were ominous looking, it's funny how everyone acts when there's a storm. Walking briskly, looking around, probably to see if a tornado is coming down from the sky. It may be similar to how NC or any beach or near-beach town is. Power went out for a couple hours at my house; amazingly I accomplished a lot by candlelight. ;o) Bummer though, my massage was canceled; her building's power also went out and they can't really have the fitness facility open and people walking around without power I guess. So, rescheduled for Thurs. I have been productive most of the night since I wasn't home all weekend, so not much to say tonight except where did the night go???? At least my kitchen is clean!

Structured Life

By the way, something I've been thinking about and wondering about your opinions...

Speaking of the challenging relationship with my sis but the enjoyment I get from Kaia, I was thinking of offering her a weekly babysit (say Wed. or Thurs night each week). I appreciate I guess more "structure" and scheduling, so I can make plans to do whatever I want to do, whether it's paint or be with the dogs, or just be home, but they can be more spontaneous. So it seems weekly might be a good solution. It could also be a disaster... i.e., then they begin to expect more ... and more room for disappointment (on both ends) when I say no on a weekend or whatever. But maybe if I offer during the week, I've satisfied both parties.

Also, I've tried to view this relationship in the past couple years as a "what have you done for me lately" view, meaning, I feel like I'm the one giving all the time. It's pretty much true, but, I'm wondering if I just can't look at it that way. It is what it is - and it's going to be a 1-way relationship right now. Perhaps changing as Kaia gets older, not sure. It really is fun being with Kaia. I want to start getting my life back in order as well, i.e., start working out in the mornings like I used to with Lauren, etc., and maybe knowing that I need to work out on x & y days but not on days I know I will have Kaia, could work. Is this making any sense at all?

Home

Well, I haven't been home much this weekend - and it shows! I had no creative time and am realizing how important it is for me to have that. I did have a fun day at the pool with Kaia & Steph though yesterday ... we "crashed" an apt. complex pool where one of the girls at work lives and said we could use. There's a great pic of S&K I took with her i-phone and will send to you or I'm going to post it soon on my Facebook page. I know you guys know, but my sis & I have a challenging relationship and it makes me sad. But it seems we're both trying to be "better" about being together. She bought my lunch today and has thanked me a couple times for my help, which is not always common for her. So maybe she's trying to be more appreciative. Since Cory was out of town, I made myself pretty available and helped as much as I could. I got up at 7 this morning (yes, I'm crazy), but was able to take a long nap with Kaia later in the morning. What a cutie she is. If it weren't for all the energy it would take and that I don't have, I could see having a child in my life. They can bring such joy to your day, and lots of laughter. But I know a lot of other things go with that. Well, it's nearly 11 and I'm headed to bed. Hoping this week after work, I can make up for not being home by finishing the blue in the living room, and maybe even starting on the kitchen & laundry room. I did finally walk the dogs; it was really hot today but it IS August. Are you seeing what's going on in China?

Duh, Photo

Oh, and I guess I didn't realize I had posted such an old photo of me on my site - that was on Steph's red couch when I lived with them I think? They don't even have that couch anymore, so I'm going to try and take a more recent photo of me to post on my new blog. "Blog" - sounds like I'm so "with it" even though blogs have been around forever it seems. I'm just catching on. Or more just taking the time to actually write one. :)

Wired, Fried, Crashed

I think my creative spurt is taking a break, hopefully a short one. After a "creative" and productive day at work, went to eat Mexican w/sis & Kaia, then came home, freezing, shaking, headache - I have a sweatshirt on right now and it's plenty hot outdoors. Steph is not feeling sick so it's not the food (we ate the same thing). I'm sure it's temporary and will pass but certainly have had no energy to do anything tonight! It's scary I know for those who don't have to take these meds, but I think it's because I ran OUT of anti-depressants (after having taken two the other day) and it's withdrawals. Yup - they are scary meds but for me, I think quite necessary. Joey & Wiley, particularly Joey, is not happy right now... keeps whining, ugh - I keep letting him out but not intending on walking them tonight. He's bored (has more energy than Wiley, more of a pup) and I don't have the energy. I think I'll just go to bed. I enjoy reading your emails!!!!! Keep that communication going, ok?

OD

It was kinda funny afterward, but, I accidentally took two Effexor (anti-depressants) one day earlier this week. All is ok, but I called the local pharmacy to see if it was anything I should be concerned about. I could hear him looking up the info on the computer and he said, since I've been on it so long, one extra capsule probably wasn't anything to be concerned about but that I might be a little extra sleepy later. And that I might want to check with Poison Control since their database is much more massive and equipped to deal with these kinds of questions. So, I called Poison Control Since I still have a 919#, the system routed me to NC! So I talked to someone in Charlotte, NC, who was very nice and she said pretty much the same thing. So, all is fine! I hope you guys don't mind reading my blog - it makes me feel like I'm near each of you (I've only shared this blog with 3 people ... and they are all in NC!) :o) I mentioned I haven't journaled in a very long time so you're my online journal buds. Just took a hot bath in epsom salts (thanks Maureen!) and listened - am still listening - to XM Coffeehouse. Right now, Tracy Chapman.

Twitching

I wonder if the incessant twitching above my left eye has anything to do with my creative surge of late? Imagine twitch ... paint ... twitch ... paint ... ;o)

Good Day

I felt motivated at work a little bit more as this week has progressed. I think it has to do with how I start my mornings, what time I get up, and whether I talk to anyone while I'm at work! (my job is very isolating). I talked to a public radio station in Minnesota and we bounced ideas off each other, not really the purpose of my call which made it more fun. And I started off the day with a new "friend" Heather, whom I met because she is a KOSU fan (via email ... she had not rec'd her bumper sticker so we chatted a lot by email!). It seems many here are married and I think she has kids although we somehow never got around to that topic today during coffee. It was fun despite the early hour (she wanted to meet at 8 and I usually don't even get up till 7:30. ;o) Such ups and downs in life and I wonder if everyone out there is the same or if I truly am just mental! I just sketched another painting (don't normally sketch them first before painting).

Speaking of Dogs ..

I had another revelation today ... I mentioned to Maureen recently when she was here, what was I doing differently when I seemed happier and healthier, thinner, etc. I started thinking about when I lived in Dallas, and when I first lived in Raleigh. One difference I recall is I didn't have dogs. Now you know how much I love my dogs. Love 'em. They are my companions and I would be so lonely without them, but, that seems a big difference. Back then, I didn't have them depending on me, didn't feel as much a tug to stay home or near home as much. And maybe I'm just looking for something, someone to blame... I'm not sure ... but that's the latest going on inside my little brain!

Creative Phase

It's difficult to be at work when you are in a major creative phase. All I can think about is my next new painting, or how to add to or subtract on the one I just painted. Or what I can do to improve my new house "space." I took the afternoon off today ... I have no idea how much annual leave I have left. It kinda doesn't matter right now, since I'm not planning on going anywhere anyway. And you all know how I feel about Christmas!

Not Too Heavy

I promise that all my blogs won't be depressing or sad... for instance, did you read the one about the Guy at Sonic riding the Stick Horse? Seriously!

Doesn't Matter if You're Skinny or Fat

As I was painting my living room walls tonight, I had an overwhelming wave of sadness (this happens often and I think it has something to do with hormones! and maybe the Coffeehouse music I was listening to!)... it really doesn't matter whether you're skinny or fat. I often think skinny people have it easier, that their lives are better somehow, and that may or may not be true in some ways (i.e., since they look good in EVERYTHING they wear and aren't carrying around the weight of 40 extra pounds - and I don't mean that in a blaming way). But relationships are always hard, any kind of relationship. It seems especially so with family and men, but men don't like or love you anymore when you're skinny. I had been looking at pictures of myself when I was skinny (I didn't know I was skinny of course), and I am pretty sure I didn't date or "fall in love" any more when I was thin than I do when I'm fat.

I also discovered, not necessarily a new discovery, that I've been depressed off and on most of my life. It makes me wonder if my sister was right when she said I'm bi-polar (and I don't mean she was right in the WAY she said it). Then of course I was thinking about how disappointing family life has been; I guess I expected more and that always gets me into trouble.

Anyone reading this should also note, I tend to hate everything when I am not feeling well. And I have been feeling very achy all over. I'm hoping it's the lack of progesterone since I ran out of cream. Times like these are NOT fun. Did I mention I felt like bursting into tears? Yeah, let's hope that cream really helps again. (I also ran out of magnesium-zinc, and I just think I can't let these things run out in the future). I did at least finally look up an endocrinologist here - specializes in metabolism, diabetes and hormone. Perhaps I'll find a good one here.

Exception to My Wish

An exception to my earlier posting, "I wish men were like dogs": except when you find a LIVE tick in your bed! Ugh! Makes me want to put the dogs on the floor like normal people (even though I realize the tick may have fallen off ME - that grosses me out even more!).